


A to Z

by Cleo2010



Category: Cabin Pressure
Genre: Gen, Kinks, M/M, Sex Talk, The Cheese Tray, Word game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-07
Updated: 2011-09-07
Packaged: 2017-10-23 12:37:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/250391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cleo2010/pseuds/Cleo2010
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Filled as part of this prompt by Anon: For some reason or other, our boys start talking about sex. Martin's experience is minimal (or completely non-existent), which surprises no one. Douglas has had a sexual encounter in half of the world's countries, which surprises no one. The real surprise is that Arthur has the busiest, kinkiest sex life ever, and he doesn't see why he shouldn't talk about it in explicit detail.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A to Z

**Author's Note:**

> Britishisms: A 'Penguin' is a chocolate biscuit with an iconic advert from the 90s (?) and a Hobnob is a crumbly, oaty, delicious biscuit which I highly recommend! Also, mini milks are slim popsickles made of milk and are also delicious!

"I'm bored." Martin groans, that kind of groan that comes from deep inside from a dark and very, very bored place in the middle of a very dark, bored chest. It wasn't that the trip from Fitton to Split, Croatia was dull for any special reason, it was just that this was the eighth time in sixteen days they'd done the same trip for Europa Services and they still had another two to go.

"Well I did offer you a game of Disney characters I'd have sex with."

"You've got sex on the brain! I thought you liked opera, fine dining and more worthy pursuits?"

"Yes, I do enjoy the opera. I also enjoy shagging. To opera."

Martin laughs with as much sarcasm as he can without seeming completely transparent. He'd 'shag' to pretty much anything right now, from opera to hip-hop. It had been... longer than he'd even admit to his own brain for fear it would mock him too. After a series of half relationships and general disasters he had been planning on waiting for someone special but that plan hadn't gotten off the ground in years. It was no wonder Douglas was going stir crazy, his marriage had been kaput for a while now so he was obviously missing sex too. It couldn't be long before he started humping the leg of any passing stewardess. Or possibly Arthur if it got really bad.

"Ok Martin, here's a new game. Through the alphabet, A to Z: Sex acts. Extra bonus points if you've done them."

"Oh how could I possibly lose this one?" Martin snarks. "What's the wager then?"

"The cheeses."

"Fine, might as well lose them this way. Never know, maybe I'll surprise you."

"Oh Martin, you are hilarious, my sides ache."

Arthur enters the flight deck armed with coffee and biscuits in time to hear Douglas announce, "anal" as his first choice with a disturbing amount of gusto.

"New game chaps?" Arthur, as cheery as ever.

"A to Z sex acts, Arthur. Grown up's game I'm afraid, do run along."

"Extra points if you've done them." Martin says grimly though he's actually got a point already, being on the receiving end of that particular one. It would be all downhill from here.

"Oh! Brilliant, that's two points to me then!"

"I'm not quite sure you understand."

"Oh, is it not if you've had anal sex with someone both giving and receiving because I've done that! It's brilliant. Actually, do I get four points because I've done it with men and women? Or does it not count if it's a strap-on? I mean, it's still going where it's going so I think it should count."

Martin and Douglas...

"Are you alright chaps? Still flying the plane because we're rather high up."

"You've..." Martin begins but the rest of the sentence fails him. He and Douglas had been working under the assumption that handholding and a little light kissing was pretty much the extent of Arthur's experience. Martin had taken comfort in the fact that he wasn't the least sexually experienced man on the plane but his luck wouldn't even let him have that small consolation.

"Yes."

"Well Arthur, four points for you." Douglas drawls and straightens up in his chair, ready for battle. Martin expects he'll wipe the floor with both of them but Arthur had already surprised them. "One for me, with a woman by the way, so you're winning so far unless Martin has anything to share to top you?"

"No... but I'm not pointless!"

"Contrary to popular opinion."

"So I'm in the lead? Brilliant! Can I go next?!"

"Have at it." Douglas put both arms behind his head while Martin shrank into his seat.

"Ok, um... oh! Bukakke!"

Martin's lost already. "What's... that? Wait, um, do I want to know?" Martin's never thought of himself as a prude but he'd learned to be careful what he Google's when he has access to Carolyn's computer after Douglas made a joke he didn't understand. He couldn't be seen as shy though. "Go on, tell me. No. Yes. Wait, is it a poo thing because if it's a poo thing I don't want to know. But then if you don't tell me then I'll know it's a poo thing which will completely negate the whole you not telling me and me not knowing."

"Martin, it's not 'a poo thing'. Is it?" Douglas asks Arthur.

Martin scoffs, "You don't know? I thought you knew everything there was to know about everything, especially if it involved sex?"

"It would seem not. Arthur, enlighten us?"

"Ah, well it's when you and some of your friends stand in a circle and have a bit of touchy time with yourself and when you... you know, the end bit with all the... stuff... well you aim for someone's face and they really like it. It's brilliant!"

Martin shakes a look of horror from his face as the mental image passes through him like a ghost. A really naked, masturbating ghost with all its other masturbating ghost friends and some other ghost who apparently really likes it. "Um, have you scored a point for that?"

"Yep. Two! Or three because I named it too?"

"Three points, Arthur, well done." Douglas rubs his face. "No points for me I'm afraid."

"Me neither."

"Oh you should really try it, it's-"

"Brilliant," Douglas finishes, "so I've heard. Martin?"

"Oh me?" Martin began to wrack his brain for something both beginning with C and something he'd done. "Um... ah..." Still thinking.

"Come on Skip, there's loads and a really obvious one!"

"I'm thinking, don't rush me!" Martin scratched at his chin. "Oh! Here's one, cuddling."

"Cuddling?" Douglas was gearing up for full sarcasm mode, Martin braces himself. "Cuddling, Martin, is not a sex act. It is perhaps a prelude to sex and certainly a post-sex option but it is not, in fact, a sex act. No one gets off on cuddling."

"What about cunninglinguistism, Martin? Have you done that?"

"Oh, oral sex on a woman? Yes, I've done that a few times. So I get an extra point?"

"You get one point, Martin, Arthur suggested the cunning linguist. Were your linguistic efforts successful?"

"Um... two out of three. The one wasn't my fault, she was really drunk though and fell asleep. Took me ten minutes before I realised."

"Not a terrible ratio, I suppose. Right, D for me."

"Oh there's loads for D!"

"What about doggy style?"

"That's an easy one Douglas!" Arthur gave Douglas a punch to the shoulder. "Do you get a point each for being in front and behind?"

"I'm guessing that means you get two?"

"Yes! Yes it does. Brilliant!"

"Oh god." Martin groaned. "I haven't even done that one."

"It's alright," intoned Douglas surprisingly sympathetic, "I've always pictured you as a big of a clinger, don't think that one would float your boat. Or rather: fly your aeroplane."

"You could have had docking or double penetration too. Or deep throating!"

"Douglas, why are we letting those words come out of Arthur's mouth? _Arthur's_ mouth?"

"Yes, it is rather disturbing. What's docking?" Martin half expected Douglas to start taking notes.

"Oh it's when you get the top bit of your willy under another willy's foreskin. Again, very brilliant. Like your willies are having their own little cuddle."

"How delightful."

"This would be a shorter game if we discovered what you haven't done." Martin resisted the urge to pull his knees up to his chest and start sobbing.

"Very funny, Skip! Wouldn't take long at all. Now E, that's a tricky one. Oh! Eve's Ecstasy! It's another licking lady bits one but it's all about her until you get the job done! She's sort of standing over your head when you're laying on the bed."

Douglas has a smile on his face for this one. "Done that. I'm very courteous."

"Sounds like it could lead to a neck injury." Martin mutters all too seriously.

"Your turn again, Skip. F!"

"Oh god... right... I need something really kinky. Oh god, I just need something and don't you say a word Arthur! I can do this..."

"Maybe if you think of certain body parts, Martin." Douglas wriggles his fingers in the air for a reason that completely bypasses Martin.

"Oh, um, feet? Sucking? Or would that be T for toe?"

"You could have a foot job." Arthur supplies helpfully, still grinning away like he's as innocent as a cherub with the cheeks to match. "Not by me obviously. Well, not now, not while you're flying the plane."

"Any extra points for that one Martin?" Martin shook his head. He wasn't really that into feet considering his own skinny ones. His toes were so thin they were wider at the knuckle joints which made them look like skeleton feet. "I once had quite a marvellous long weekend in Thailand."

"Did you go snorkling?" Arthur, bright as ever.

"Well yes, but the story isn't about that. I got an incredible foot massage and then... an _incredible foot massage._ "

"She did both feet, great!"

"Can we stop this now?" Martin pleaded.

"Come on, Skip, I'm sure you'll pick up some more points. G, now. Um, you didn't like poo things but what about wee things?"

"Arthur, if you say that's brilliant I will literally throw you out of the flight deck!" Martin was close to shrieking by now.

"Right... not brilliant then. Um, you got a point for anal so something gay then? Gay kissing? Gay licking? Gay gaying?"

"I'm not... well I'm a little bit..." Martin was blushing to the point of combustion. Earlier he and Douglas had been naming words that had more than one meaning, now he was laying out his sexual experience for points and possibly some cheese. "I'm just..."

"You're open minded." Douglas finishes for him. "Quite rightly, now you can fail to attract both sexes."

"I'll have you know I've had more success with men than women!" That sounded much better in his head.

"What about the gay stuff, any points?" Arthur was eager and looked willing to help Martin boost his points as necessary.

"Yes, I've done gay kissing... and licking." Martin said quietly. He'd quite enjoyed the licking. That at least made Martin feel a little less like he sat in his attic repelling people near and far.

"Oh frottage! We could have had frottage, you've done that? Rubbing against each other until you get sticky and really happy?"

"Guess so."

"Clothes or no clothes?"

"Uh, both." Martin purposefully neglected to mention that the clothed occasions weren't entirely planned and quite embarrassing.

"Two points, Skip!"

"Really? Oh, well, that's good. Excellent! Some points for me, very good. Guess it's my turn again, H... oh, easy one, hand job. Three points, ha ha!"

"What's that, Skip?"

"What's what?"

"A handjob?"

"You don't-" Martin could almost laugh with utter joy.

"Only joking! Got one this morning. Your turn Douglas, how many points do you have?"

"Nine, I think, if my frottage could be with a woman. What about bringing in an ice cube to the bedroom? Very sexy."

"Very cold." Martin thought for a moment. "But I can see the appeal."

"You have to be careful though, ice can be oddly sticky and you really should use the white mini-milks and not the brown ones."

"The karma sutra a la Arthur." Douglas quipped, out done again. "Your turn, oh wise one."

"Jildo!"

"Do we want to know what that is?"

"Well my friend Felix has a wood turning machine-"

"Oh god." Said Martin.

"and we didn't really know what we were making-"

"Oh god." Said Douglas.

"turns out a wooden willy has a proper name, a jildo!"

"Right."

"And then we had sex with it."

"Oh god." Douglas and Martin gaped together.

"Didn't you get splinters? In places?" Asked Martin, his insides clenching at the thought.

"We sanded it down and put a rubber on it, Skip! Otherwise it would be silly!"

"Yes, Skip." Douglas said pointedly, "how silly of you to think otherwise."

Martin shot Douglas a filthy look but took some solace in the fact that he hadn't expected to lose so spectacularly to Arthur of all people either.

"Back to you, Skip. K for kissing!"

"Or knots." Martin said proudly. "Like bondage type knots." He'd been waiting for an excuse to reveal the kinkiest thing he'd ever done. This should bag him some points. "Bet you didn't see that coming!"

"Now that's kinky for you, Martin. Do tell."

"Yeah Skip! Did you have them up your bottom?"

"What? No!"

"That's alright, might try that one myself. Carry on, what did you do?"

Martin smiled a little that he was actually able to tell a story. "Well, I had a girlfriend for a little while, I had a evening job washing dishes and she was a waitress. Well she... god I can't believe I'm telling you this... she liked to tie me to the bed."

"And?" Douglas encouraged.

"And what? That's kinky isn't it?"

"Kinky for beginners perhaps."

"No! It was really, really kinky! She'd tie me to the bed with rope she kept in her bedside table and then I'd watch..."

"Oooh, now this is slightly more interesting. What did you watch?"

"Well, we didn't actually have sex. She just liked to be watched, you know, as she did her own thing. On her own." Martin wondered why he'd wanted to share that at all.

"Did she let you finish, Skip? Did she make you beg or make you call her mistress or make you use a pillow but no hands, or tie a vibrator to your willy or stick a-"

"Arthur! Stop! No, she didn't make me do any of those things and nothing was 'stuck' anywhere. She'd wait for me to calm down and then I'd go home."

"So you didn't get to have an orgasm, Skip?"

"When I got home I could do what I liked."

"That's quite a sad story really. She should have looked after you. When me and my friends all get together for an orgy or whatnot, we all make sure everyone's happy. I'd make sure you were happy, Skip, probably would have done the vibrator trick. That's always a good one for someone tied down. Especially if you're a bit of a screamer."

"Uh, thank you, Arthur but I'm fine, more of a lip biter if anything. Douglas?"

"Sorry what?"

"Your turn."

"Oh, right. What letter are we up to?" Douglas had completely zoned out. He'd also crossed his legs.

"L."

"Oh, the lotus. A personal favourite. You'd like it, Martin."

"What makes you think I haven't done it?"

"Have you?"

"Um, what is it?"

Douglas leaned forward and spoke. "You sit upright with your legs and arms wrapped around each other, all bits and pieces where they feel best and _you rock._ " Douglas's voice hit new depths of sexy lowness.

"You rock?" Martin repeated, more than a little dumbstruck.

"Yes. Back and forth. There can be some more vigorous movement if required, but lots of rocking."

Martin's throat was dry. "Just for men and women then?" he squeaked.

"Not exclusively, for example if you were to do it with another man, some friction of certain parts might be pleasurable and I'm sure someone could spare a hand to wrap around us."

"Us?" Arthur enquired in a moment of uncharacteristic sharpness.

"Me and someone else."

"But you started off by saying Skip. It made it sound like you and Skip were doing the Lotus which would be brilliant because then you'd get to fly planes together and have sex and stuff which is great fun too!"

"That would be... um, your turn Arthur. M." Martin fiddled with some controls that didn't really need fiddling with while he tried to adjust his trousers. He'd have to cross his legs like Douglas soon.

"Um, mutual masturbation. In the shower. With four other people."

"Think that's just a point for you Arthur. Who on earth do you socialise with?"

"Just school friends. We've been doing this for donkeys years which are really, really long."

"Fitton has its secrets, I guess."

"N for me then." Martin hadn't even begun to think about his next letter. "Uh... nipple... something... nipple... clamps?"

"You've used nipple clamps, Martin?"

"Well, no, not really but I did watch something on the internet once. Looked painful in all honesty."

"Not if you're all worked up Skip, you should try one of mind, the adjustable ones so it's not too tight on your first go. It's good if another person is there though because they you can touch yourself while they put them on and it feels really, really good."

"Yes, I did it the wrong way round. The second Mrs Richardson tried to spice up our sex life not long before it all went tits up. It just made wearing a shirt the next day uncomfortable."

Martin actually found himself giggling that Douglas hadn't done something perfectly but they were both being put to shame by Arthur. "Bet you've got ticklish nipples, Martin."

"You'll never find out though."

"You should know better than to lay down a challenge. Might be worth wagering the camembert."

Arthur was completely oblivious to Douglas and Martin's exchange that had them leaning closer together than pilots typically sat. Or typical people typically sat. "There's lots you can do with nipple clamps that don't even involve nipples. Harriet sewed a pair onto some stockings once and then clipped them to her-"

"Arthur, we'll save that story for later. There's a good lad."

"Ok, Douglas." Arthur mimed putting something in a filing cabinet for good measure. It was one of his better charades. "O for orgasm denial."

"Why would anyone willingly be denied an orgasm?" Martin questioned with genuine curiosity.

"You were denied when that woman tied you down and made you watch." Arthur replied.

"I guess so, but that was stupid and not at all fun. Not until I got home."

"And then it was really good because you really needed it?"

"Yes, I suppose it was better than the usual. Not sure it was particularly worth it."

"Well, she wasn't doing it right. If you're really good then you can bring someone to the edge lots of times until they really, really have to come but then you can do it again and they really, really, really want to finish and then when you do finally let them it's really, really, really, really good."

"You've done that too then?"

"Yeah, easier to do with men though because I've had it done to me and I really like making women happy lots and lots of times in a row."

"So you're really experienced and you can give women orgasms upon orgasms?" Martin wishes he didn't sound so bitter but this was Arthur of all people.

"It takes practice. Like you with your pilots licence, at first you were rubbish and then you were rubbish some more, and then some more still-"

"I get it!"

"No, but then you were good and you're getting better and better all the time."

"Well I need more practice, don't I?"

"Any time, Skip." Arthur winked.

"I've done the denial thing. Me and the first Mrs Richardson tried a little power play."

"Oooh, that's fun isn't it?"

"Yes, I took to it a little too well and Mrs Richardson wasn't that keen servicing my needs in the end."

"Shame Douglas, you should have tried it the other way around."

"Yes we did, that's how I got my rather surprising point for anal. Anyhow, Martin, you're on the letter P."

"Ok, P, P, P..."

"Pick up a penguin."

"Thank you Arthur. Ooh, I really fancy a penguin biscuit now, can we pick some up in Split?"

"Don't think they stock penguins in Croatia but we'll have a look, come on, I want a P please, Bob."

"Gimme a minute..." The word penis kept floating around Martin's head but just saying the word wasn't an act in itself. His own was making itself known well enough.

"Perhaps you bought one of your girlfriends a gift of some jewellery?" Douglas prompted.

"Don't help me! I'll think of something?" He kept wracking his brain but he was still thinking about penises.

"Oh paddling!" Arthur exclaimed.

"Paddling isn't a sex act, Arthur." Martin smirked. "Paddling in the sea is one of the most innocent things you can do!"

"Uh, no Martin, while I'm sure you could get paddled in the sea, Arthur is referring to getting spanked on the behind with some form of flat object."

"Oh. Isn't that an S for spanking?"

"Doesn't have to be, you could have F for flogging or W for whipping or C for cropping." Arthur listed enthusiastically.

"I think you whip with a crop." Douglas mused. "Or perhaps strike."

Martin's eyes widened at the thought of a riding crop. He could almost smell the leather.

"I think Martin is having a happy thought, Arthur. Memory or fantasy do you think?"

"I think he's having a fantasy Douglas, he's dribbling a little."

"I think we might find a riding crop for the dear boy if we can't find him a chocolate penguin."

"Brilliant!"

"Sorry," Martin said as he came back to himself, "what's brilliant?"

"Nothing. It's just that I'm stuck with a Q now. I guess a 'quickie' will have to do."

Arthur was waiting. "Yes?"

"I said a quickie, Arthur."

"Ok, say it really quickly."

"No Arthur, that's my answer. A quickie, a quick shag, a hurried hump, a rapid rogering, a fast fu-mble."

"Ah. Good one Douglas. R for rimming."

"Really Arthur?" Martin didn't know why he was surprised, he just thought it wasn't that common. "You've... done that?"

"Surprised you know what it is, Martin." Douglas was ready with a jibing tone.

"I'm not completely naive."

"Not completely naive but a lot naive. You've done it both ways Arthur?"

"Yep. You can make people make really interesting noises, sort of like they are in pain but a really, really good pain. Like howling at the moon or groaning at something on the telly but louder. You have to clean your teeth afterwards but it's really good."

"I would rather think you'd have to have exemplary hygiene all round."

"Um, I got a point for that." Martin proffered, not actually sure that he should.

"Really Martin? Who with?"

"Um, first boyfriend. He told me what to do and I just... he wasn't the nicest man but it wasn't terrible. I'd do it again but for someone who deserved it a bit more."

"So I take it you haven't done it since?" Douglas asked softly.

"No." Martin said sadly. No one had deserved it. Robert certainly hadn't but Martin fancied himself in love and he would have done anything for him.

"You'll find someone deserving."

"Yeah Skip, someone super special who'll appreciate you and I can give you tips! Can you roll your tongue into a tube, it's a good exercise for when you have to push it in!"

"S, Martin?" Douglas interrupted but Martin was trying to bend up the sides of his tongue.

"Wuh?" Martin relaxed his tongue again. "Well, we've covered spanking which I sort of got a point for being a spankee on one occasion. She may have just been hitting me but I'm counting it for now. Oh, sexting, text sex! Douglas?"

"Yep, done that."

"Me too, though autocorrect kept changing words around this one time so it seemed like I was really into cake. Though I really do like cake, that wasn't what I was trying to put across in that specific text."

"Bet you've never had sex with a cake though!" Martin jeered, a small victory.

"Not since my birthday. Can't wait for my next one, I want extra cream this time!"

"Did you not see that coming, Martin?"

"Obviously not." He grit out between his teeth while entertaining a very disturbing thought about a Victoria sponge. "But I have sort of had text sex so I get my bonus point. Douglas, we're up to T now."

"Teabagging."

"Really, Douglas?"

"No not really but I couldn't think of anything beginning with T and now Arthur's licking his lips so salaciously I'm rather regretting it."

"They're even nicer if you dip them in chocolate and crumbled up hobnobs."

"It's certainly an... education." Martin resentment was turning into a weird, deformed pride. At least Arthur wasn't a complete bastard and cared about his sexual partners.

"Yes, a frightening one but an education none the less."

"I didn't think I was doing that badly until now, it wasn't perfect but I've gone to bed with a few people. I had my tying up story though now I just feel like I was taken advantage of and she really didn't care. She thought it would be sexier if I left afterwards."

"I wouldn't compare yourself to Arthur, sure you'll get round to everything but with someone quite lovely."

"Well finding someone willing to have any type of sex whatsoever with me and that someone being lovely is proving rather difficult. Impossible even."

"Aww, cheer up Skip, I can get some hobnobs and melt some chocolate in the microwave. Always cheers me up."

"Tossing an apple from hand to hand or a generous, afternoon testes-licking? Everything pleases our Arthur." Douglas gave the top of Arthurs head a good rub and ruffles up his hair.

"Certainly does, uh oh... I have U. I don't think I have a U... under something? I've done it under lots of things though... I've done it under other people who are also doing it."

"How did you manage that?" Martin was trying to work out the logistics but picturing Arthur naked was distracting.

"Bunk beds."

"Ah."

"I had sex under the stage while Queen played Wembley. It was the concert they released as an album, you can hear my then girlfriend between Radio GaGa and We Will Rock You and I did indeed _rock her._ "

Some form of whining noise emanated from the back of Martin's throat as the lotus floated back to the forefront of his mind.

"What about you, Skip, had sex under anything?"

"Um, the covers? A roof?"

"What about your van?"

"Reminds me of my dad too much. And my failure. And my lack of money. All in all not very arousing."

"You should try having sex in Gertie." Arthur suggested with a grin.

"Oh! Oh god! You've had sex in Gertie? In here, in the flightdeck?" Martin was praying to every god he could think of that Arthur had sex anywhere else but in here. The passenger section, the hold or even the loo, anywhere but in here.

"We were playing Captain."

Martin leapt out of his seat and ran to the back of the small flight deck. "OH GOD!"

"Oh nice one, Arthur!" Douglas had the temerity to applaud. "I do hope you had a good time."

"Not as much fun as I had in yours!"

"Oh dear god! Arthur!" Douglas raged, much to Martin's chagrin but he was still having a miniature meltdown. "How could you?!"

"She wore the hat that time."

"OH GOD, OH GOD!" Martin's meltdown wasn't so miniature anymore as he threw his hat down.

"Not your hat Skip, I got one from the fancy dress shop, the one that Paramount Martin had. Would be a bit weird if it was your hat bobbing up and down without you underneath it."

"Martin, please sit down so I can do something. Jump out of the plane sans a parachute perhaps."

Martin begrudgingly returned to his seat and tried not to think about which particular sexual things Arthur had gotten up to in his chair. Maybe some male or female bouncing in his lap. Martin would have liked dibs on that considering it was his chair after all. He was the captain.

"Not to worry, I had a good clean up afterwards. It's Skip's go now, V oooh, tricky one V."

"Why do I get the difficult one?"

"We're both a thousand points behind Casanova here so I wouldn't worry, he's earned the cheese tray though I'm thinking we should charge him some form of penalty for what he did in our seats. Maybe the brie and the gorgonzola?"

"Guess so, rather just try and forget. Almost done though so veeeeee... voyeurism? I guess I did a bit of that with the whole being tied up thing."

"Why yes you did you kinky thing. No points for me."

"One more point for me what with the orgies and everything."

"How do you make an orgy sound as by-the-by as visiting the cinema?"

"Oh, I've done it in one of those! In the bit with the camera too, ended up casting a shadow of my willy during the middle of Die Hard 4.0 when the car hit the helicopter, that was brilliant!"

"Wheelbarrow!" Douglas shouted. "Do not attempt when drunk."

"Very good, Douglas. I've done it in one of those."

"I was referring to the sexual position but good for you."

"Nothing for me. Again." Martin sulked.

"X? Oh, I don't think I can do that one." Arthur had a good scratch of his head.

"What about X-rated, you know, like pornography?" Martin suggested.

"Making it, watching it, participating in it, writing it, directing it or doing the score?"

"You've got six points haven't you?"

"I have indeed, Skip!"

"The score?" Douglas clarified, aghast.

"You've got to have good music, Douglas, and sound effects! Everyone loves sound effects!"

"My turn. Oh I've got Y? Uh...Yogurt? Food and sex?"

"Well we already know about Arthur's fondness for hobnobbed hobnobs. I myself like things creamy."

"Yes, sounds fun."

"No fun with food, Martin?"

"No. Never could afford it."

Douglas had the final letter. "Zed for me then. Ah. I don't have one."

"Me neither."

"Well I think that's us done then."

"Wait... zappryfication." Arthur spoke as if it was the most taboo word spoken in the history of man.

"You just made that up!"

"No I didn't but... I don't think you'll want it explained, Skip."

Douglas shifted the conversation before Arthur shared any reasons for why Martin wouldn't want to know. "Fair enough, let's tally up. I got twenty-seven points."

"Nineteen. At least I hit double figures, dread to think how bad it would be if I didn't have a shot with both sexes. Your score would have more than doubled, Douglas."

"Fifty-seven."

"Fifty-seven?!"

"Yep. That was fun! We should do it again, there's loads more! We could do it like top trumps!"

"Uh yes Arthur, maybe give us a little time to catch up." Douglas offered, though Martin never intended to play this particular game ever again.

"Right-O, chaps, better go get dinner sorted!"

Douglas and Martin sat in complete silence, it was quite pleasant after the last forty five minutes of disturbing revelations and alphabet sex according to Arthur. It sort of explained why Arthur was so happy all of the time.

"Douglas?"

"Hmm?"

"Do you really think I'll meet someone lovely?"

"Yes. Yes I do."

"Thanks." They fell quiet again for a bit while Martin thought things over a little more. "I don't think I want to do everything we talked about though."

"I wouldn't imagine you would, especially not B. Or the N's. Anything that did take your fancy?"

"Well... a couple of things. How about you?"

"Yes, even at my age there's still more to discover. The riding crop sounded quite alluring."

"Yes, it did rather." Martin was stirring again, his flash of fantasy had Douglas face down on the console, running the crop down his back before smacking him firmly across the buttocks. He was the captain, he could do anything he liked. Luckily no one had noticed his little day dream.

"And the uh... letter R." Douglas added.

"Oh? Oh, yes." Martin blushed again. Douglas hadn't scored with that one. "L too, I definitely want to try L."

"Yes, good one that, haven't tried it with a man. Well, I haven't done anything with a man."

"Would you? I mean, try it with a man?"

"I think I would. Depends on the man."

"Yes, yes of course."

They fell silent again, just the hum of the engines and Arthur clattering around in the galley as background noise.

"You know who I think is lovely?" Began Douglas.

"Who?"

"Me."

**Author's Note:**

> Just so you know, Douglas doesn't have a clue which end of the crop Martin has in mind for him ;)
> 
> Oh, I made up the kink for the letter Z but a jildo is a thing! Also, the points tally is completely accurate! Took two attempts to get it right!


End file.
